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Brian Hansbury Has Issues: Barack Obama — Jedi and Leader of the (New) Galactic Republic

Posted Thursday, June 4th, 2009 at 4:53 pm by Brian in Media Buzz. More in 11104

Missy Elliot’s all like, “Get Yo Geek On, Get Yo Geek On!”

Today in Cairo, Barack Obama initiated a watershed moment in globalism.  In 2,000 years (if we haven’t blown ourselves up in a nuclear holocaust) when we’re having a beer with this guy:

How dare you wear jeans to the bridge.  It's not even casual Friday.

We will look back at the speech today as that breathless moment when the democracy sperm met the intifada egg and the zygote of a single, all-encompassing pan-global government was born.  Because truly, either through peace or through total domination, a planet must first pass the singular government stage before then jumping into space and joining the New Republic.

From Wikipedia (with parenthetical insertions courtesy of me): “The New Republic is a fictional government in the Star Wars universe.  When the Rebel Alliance (Democrats) re-established the Old Galactic Republic (a place that respected the Constitution) after the downfall of the Galactic Empire (Bush-Cheney), it became known as the New Republic (a nice planet to live on where everyone likes each other and there aren’t any dicks, as in Cheney), just as the original Galactic Republic had become known as the Old Republic by that time.
The New Republic was founded on the same premise that the Old Republic had been established on twenty-five thousand years previously (it’s entirely possible that Cheney has been around ever since, messing everything up; an immortal, shape-shifting Dick): to have a representative parliamentary body govern the galaxy in a fair and equal manner. It was designed to eradicate the shortcomings that brought about the Old Republic’s downfall (stupid ignorant Dicks from Nebraska, like Cheney, who voted for Dicks, as in Cheney). The New Republic was protected by the New Jedi Order (people who live on the coasts) that was established by Jedi Master Luke Skywalker (Barack Obama), just as the Old Republic was once protected by the Old Jedi Order (Obi-Wan, JFK).”

Obama’s speech took on most aspects of global leadership in the 21st century, albeit mega-cursorily.  To wit, his speech was pretty obvious and it’s stuff people have said before.  Yet somehow a zeitgeist-erly gravitas is associated with Obama this time around.  His unique background (for a POTUS) imbues his inclusionary rhetoric with, well, legitimacy.  It’s one thing to have some WASPy looking white guy say he’s down with Muslims.  It’s entirely different to have America’s first black president, with an Islamic background, saying to the world in his best Rodney King, “Can’t we all just get along?”  In 2006 the Mets slogan was “The Team.  The Time.  The Mets.”  And then they blew it against the Cardinals in the eleventh hour, but not before accomplishing one of the most amazin’ feats in baseball history.  Obama’s slogan should be “The Man. The Time. Global Confederacy.”  And let’s really, really hope Joe Biden proves to be the next Endy Chavez (Everyday Endy, 24/7/365).

And Now For Something Gaypletely Different
This week, Dick Cheney dropped an irony bomb straight to my dome piece when he came out (get it) in favor of gay marriage.  The only thing is — I don’t believe him.  See, he says all this great stuff about how everyone should be allowed his/her freedoms: “I think that freedom means freedom for everyone … I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish.  Any kind of arrangement they wish.” And then totally contradicts himself in the very next sentence by making gay marriage rights super difficult to win by not allowing for a federal solution: “The question of whether or not there ought to be a federal statute to protect this, I don’t support. I do believe that historically the way marriage has been regulated is at the state level. It has always been a state issue and I think that is the way it ought to be handled, on a state-by-state basis.”

As in dragged out over at least one more decade, you, Dick!  Totally cop-out, you, Dick!  I understand arguments for things being the domain of states versus the federal government, but essentially Dick is saying that gay marriage rights are not equivalent to those protections offered in the Civil Rights Act of 1964.  Replace the word “marriage” in the above quote with “African-America rights” and it could have been taken from some racist Senator in the early ’60s, trying to stem the growing tide of support for the Civil Rights Act by moving the debate to a state-by-state framework.  Dick Cheney is like a wandering Internet iPod salesman who takes your breath away by offering you a free iPod Nano and then punches you in the face with some magazine subscription rigmarole.  He’s also a total Dick!

You see, young Mary, every time a gay couple gets married an angel loses its wings.

Nascent Obama Speech Reaction? Dick Bein’ Dick?


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