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Hansdling the Issues: Too Many Issues to Hansdle

Posted Friday, July 24th, 2009 at 5:38 pm by Brian in Media Buzz. More in 10010

Brief Explanation For Absence
Sorry for my hiatus guys, but I’ve been standing on one of these really long unemployment line these past three weeks.  Then I was hungry so I went to the Shake Shack line.  Then I was waiting on line outside a Rhode Island strip club with a couple high school sophomores I scouted at the local mall.  I guarantee there were no 16-year-old strippers before the media decided to turn this into a story, but now there is a totally sleazy club owner actively seeking out 16-year-old girls from troubled homes.  This makes me sad.  Strip clubs are the worst.  Going to a strip club is like buying a submarine sandwich and then looking at it from between 2-4 feet away in a dark, loud room, occasionally putting it on your lap, but never eating it.

"We are gonna get that dog so f*cking high."

We are gonna get that dog so f*cking high.

Bad Late Night Jokes of the Week (As Created By Me)
Undercover officers in North Carolina arrested another undercover officer from a different force after buying drugs off him.  When asked to explain the mix-up the arresting officers shrugged their shoulders and said, “It was really good shit.”

Yesterday in New Jersey, federal agents arrested 44 people as part of a widespread corruption investigation.

"Ok, so, two schlameils walk into a schlamazel..."

"Ok, so, two schlameils walk into a schlamazel..."

Among those arrested were mayors, rabbis and lawyers alleged to have been trafficking kidneys.  The FBI referred to the investigation internally as “Operation The Greatest Joke Set-Up Ever.”

These goats are so f*cked up.

These goats are so f*cked up.

Canada may be shutting down its only government sanctioned marijuana farm known as the Marijuana Mine.  Apparently the farm is in an abandoned mine.  Drug users in Canada were alarmed by the news but told not to worry as the government was planning to open two new drug theme park rides, the Quaalude Quarry and the Percocet Petting Zoo.

Roger Federer’s wife had twins this week.  Doctors weren’t sure if the babies would be half-human, half-robot or perhaps there’d be one robot baby and one entirely human baby.  They were pleased to announce that both babies were in fact robots.  Federer celebrated by oiling his squeaky joints and downloading a Firefox update to his brain.

If you prick us, do we not bleed?  If you tickle us, do we not laugh?  If you poison us, do we not die?  No, we don't die.  Because we're robots.  And that blood is really just sugar and die.  And we hate laughing, but we do it to keep up appearances.
If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? No, we don’t die. Because we’re robots. And that blood is really just sugar and dye. And we hate laughing, but we do it to keep up appearances.

 
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