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Dating in New York City – Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury: Friends with Benefits

Posted Tuesday, February 17th, 2009 at 6:00 pm by Brian in Social Bees. More in 11236

Dear Hans,

Do friends with benefits ever become something more? Or once you are in the casual sex category are you stuck there forever?

Casual Encounterer in Canarsie

Ah, casual sex. The spring training of intercourse. The Promised Land for atheists and the non-practicing alike. The lifeblood of HBO’s “Dream On.” Just as with Barack Obama’s presidency, the successful nurturing of a casual sex relationship can feel like the achievement of an impossible dream. And just like a Secret Service agent, it’s in your best interest to protect the fragile nature of this relationship with your life. One wrong move and things can quickly go from smiles and handshakes to extreme complication. With all the subtlety of Presidential brain matter dashed about the backseat of a convertible, suddenly you are a couple.

Or are you?
Did you just say you loved me?
Yes, you did.
So, you don’t?

Ugh. She thought she was getting a ring and you thought she was a friend bearing benefits, like a sexy Wise Man or something. Every casual sex relationship eventually has one half of the equation wanting more, because if both parties were smitten with each other, the relationship would have begun as boyfriend-girlfriend, not penis-vagina. Though sexually compatible, it’s obvious one participant finds enough things wrong with the other party to not fully commit. In an awkward faux break-up, the less committed party is forced to tell his sex buddy all reasons he has for not settling down with her. Smelly feet, racism or borderline retardation can be temporarily overlooked in the interest of hot coitus, but no one wants to think about willfully passing those traits onto his children. After the laundry is aired, the porkin’ pals can choose to keep doing it or angrily part ways. If no good sex prospects lie on the horizon, they will probably keep doing it.

Certainly there are people who started out as FWBs and are now married. But they are not the majority. FWBs are more often like fireworks or the aurora borealis, ephemeral and beautiful. Yes, they can lead to a committed relationship if both parties come around, but more often than not they are going to lead to an STD, a really great screenplay idea or a beat down from Chris Brown. So if you come across an FWB guard your heart and cover your face.

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