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Dating in New York City – Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury: Online Dating

Posted Monday, May 12th, 2008 at 4:00 pm by Brian in Social Bees. More in

This week on Holding Hans, Brian gives some advice to a reluctant online dater.

Dear Hans,

I’m a regular, attractive guy who just doesn’t seem to shine in the bar scene. I just attended a wedding in which the newlyweds met each other on the dating site eHarmony. I keep hearing about other people who have met and married on these dating sites, as well. I’m not necessarily looking to get hitched, but I’m definitely tired of being lonely. Unfortunately, online dating sort of weirds me out. Any advice on how to enter the interweb dating world?

– Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Watch where you point that question, friend. It’s loaded. It just so happens you’ve come to the perfect person to answer this question (and also, possibly, the world’s most perfect person).

For the last several months I’ve been using Match.com to break hearts and take names (but mostly to throw money down the drain). I’ve found that using an online dating service is like setting yourself up on an awkward blind date without the luxury of having a friend to blame for your night of uncomfortable silences and empty pockets. Let me break this down like a UPS commercial for ya.

What you see is rarely what you get. People on these sites select the best four pictures they’ve ever taken. Think about your four best pictures. Yeah, the one’s where, due to uncanny lighting or divine intervention, you look nothing like yourself and absolutely like a hybrid of Brad Pitt, David Beckham and Lexington Steele. I’ve shown up to dates only to find out that Danielle actually looked much more like a Daniel. And even if a girl somewhat resembles her pictures you can rest assured that the “About Me” that made her seem like a dynamic, charming sophisticate was actually crafted over the course of several months (possibly by a college admissions advisor) to hide her serious case of Asperger’s Syndrome.

Nerve, LavaLife, Match, Chemistry, they’re all the same. Oh, and like me, I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors that eHarmony is freakishly pro-Christianity, so avoid that at all costs unless you too are in love with a man in the sky. Besides, Dr. Neil Clark Warren is just creepy beyond belief.

If you prefer indiscriminate fun over horrific letdowns, might I suggest this new website WindowShoppingForWomen.com. It’s a site where two dudes (who seem like douchebags, until you realize they are geniuses) share with you their foolproof system for attracting women to your apartment using social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook. These guys don’t even have a car, yet somehow, they get more ass than a proctologist. Of particular note is their free training video in which they interview Reuben, their friend who seems like an awkward thirty-something Asian guy, until you realize he is an awkward thirty-something Asian guy…who gets laid a lot using their system.

Or, if you are wealthy and don’t mind the lack of commitment associated with prostitution, you can check out SugarDaddyForMe.com. I nearly choked on my Lucite stilettos when I found out such a site exists. If you own a yacht, yet uncannily have none of the social skills implied by the success it takes to own a yacht, this is the site for you.

Now that I’ve ensured you’re still weirded out, Happy Dating! And remember, there’s always Casual Encounters.

-Hans

  • Word up! 🙂

    thank you for the plug we really appreciate it. and to all you guys reading this, seriously… the easiest and most effective method.. Race and I literally chill at our house and have different girls come kick it with us..no need to waste our money in bars and stuff ‘chasing’ women… plus MySpace and Facebook are free… cant get any better..lol

    still havent gotten that car yet…lol We did however just release a kick ass software program that TRACKS all your interactions online so you know where you are with each girl and helps you organize what is and isn’t working for you!

    your friend, and true douchebag- Kelly Kellam hahah 🙂

 
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