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New York City Happenings – The Swarm: The Assimilated Negro

Posted Friday, April 25th, 2008 at 12:55 pm by Neighborbee in Social Bees. More in 10009

With millions of blogs on the internet, how is a reader supposed to know what/who to read? neighborbeeblog is here to help. Every Friday, The Swarm will feature a guest blogger that we think is one of the internet’s best. Suggestions? Send ’em to [email protected]

neighborbee blog’s very first guest on The Swarm is The Assimilated Negro, or TAN. One of the web’s most unique and entertaining voices, TAN’s work has appeared everywhere from College Humor to Jewcy. This week, TAN tells neighborbee readers where to go in Astoria.

TAN Guide to Astoria

Waddup homies and homettes! I go by T.A.N. (The Assimilated Negro), and as you have no doubt deduced from my use of jive and aggressive tone (if not the word negro), I’m a black man. Rumor has it I do a lot of talking about race and stuff. I also take a long time introducing myself. Hi again! Word.

All that said, today I have no agenda aside from dropping some neighborhood knowledge on your dome. So! I just recently discovered Astoria, and while I had heard buzz about Queens as the New Brooklyn, I wasn’t really up on all the hip multiculti action going on out there. But it’s really kind of nice, and not yet totally hipster gentri-f’d, so get out there before it’s too late. Towards that end I’m going to shine some light on 4 jewels Astoria has to offer so you can know something besides the Beergarden.

The Date Spot

Winegasm (get it?) is a bit of a tough name to push on your friends, but after checking the place out during their soft opening week, I can honestly say I came in my pants. Actually, I can’t honestly say that. Close though, cause there was this moment when i brushed against the table and … well, anywine, this place is much classier than this blurb I’m writing about it. Very sophisticated bistro-chic, and the multicultural vibe is really perfect for small groups/parties with a lot of interracial dating/mating going on. Their menu has lots of good sharing-food, and mix-and-match items you can munch with authority but not get too heavy. One of the bartenders claims to be the inventor of the Flirtini. What else do you need to know? The night I went the owners and chef were floating about talking to the customers and now I feel like I “have a friend with a nice wine spot in Astoria… along with knowing the Flirtini inventor.” What I’m saying is life could be a lot worse, y’know. And maybe you can feel this way too! Bonus: if you do want to feel heavy, get the mac&cheese with bacon. It is black person approved!

The Hangover Spot

So after the sweet date night, you might have a hangover that requires enough feed to nourish a small central or south american village. Well Tierras Columbianas is the spot to take care of that. Their main platter is basically a trough of the Latin Cure for Hangover: fried steak, chicharron, plantains, rice and beans, avocado, fried egg, arepas, and … oh yeah, salad. Gotta eat healthy, right? A restaurant full of non-white patrons makes you feel pretty authentic, also the menu and waiters don’t really do the English, so brush up on your “donde esta el bano”. Ordering isn’t complicated, however, as long as you’re hungry.

The Hangover Gift

So KrisTees is a woman’s clothing store. And if these blurbs are telling a narrative I guess this is where the guy goes to buy a gift after getting himself hungover on date night. I’m a guy, so I don’t really know what to tell you about the clothes themselves, but all the mannequins looked pretty hot. And the clothes too, even without girls in them. Who knows, maybe I just shouldn’t be let in female clothing stores? But really, my date was raving about this place and took me by to check it out (I know, I’m a sucker), and it looked nice, and now I googled and the store also made Lucky Magazine’s top 100 so I feel like there’s probably something to it. I also feel like a guy who knows a little secret place to impress the ladies. Or to go and look at the mannequins….

Gift + Prep for Next Hangover

So final spot is a hair salon, and I know it seems like I went to Astoria and became a woman, but how cool is the hair salon Lift where you can get drinks and a haircut. That’s like barbershop a la Ice Cube, but with alcohol! And girls! I’m just saying I’ve never considered a hair salon a hang out spot, but this makes you think, hmmm … and that’s just for the guys, should be a no-brainer for the ladies to go there. So I guess this story ends with me having mojitos at the hair salon before going back to ogle the mannequins. Yay! See you out there…

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